Releasing the unconscious helper

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The little girl who learned to create safety by managing the emotional atmosphere around her… eventually discovered that safety was something she could create within herself.

This was by far the hardest post I have written, and it might also be the one that has impacted my energy the most. I’m a strong believer that my shadows make me whole, yet figuring out your shadows often takes a couple of dark nights of the soul.

I do not know when I took on the role of the helper.

I have been told a million times that when my twin brother and I started daycare and he wouldn’t eat, I started feeding him and comforting him.

May I note thatwe were both two years old.

I deeply recognise this gift of sensing the emotional atmosphere around me. I think I first started doing it as a form of self-protection, to save myself. To help others feel good because I was already feeling what they felt due to my openness.

When my mum read books to us as children, I’d often start crying because I could feel the main character’s fear and worry so deeply.

Later, I remember often hiding my own feelings so I wouldn’t upset the atmosphere that I had unconsciously made myself responsible for. Showing there was something wrong would mean I had to work a double shift.

To say that the feminine empath in me lived without much masculine structure or boundaries for most of her life would be an understatement.

When playing with my brother and his friends, I often took on the role of the servant. I remember giving my things to friends whenever they liked something, just to see them light up.

I was always so fascinated by and curious about people that I simply often forgot about myself.

Seeing someone else light up felt much better than me lighting up.

Even in my baby book, there’s a sentence my mother wrote: “Tiina, at three years old, is a kind girl, because she loves to delight others.”

That was my identity in a nutshell.

Always be kind and delight others.

If I wasn’t that, I’d have had a major identity crisis.

All of this comes down to safety and feeling safe.

I believe that my parents’ generation saw safety as fitting in and not upsetting other people too much. Especially not your husband, who, in the end, was expected to take care of you.

This pattern is, of course, a generations-old patriarchy shadow.

I think I unconsciously took on the responsibility for my twin brother’s happiness as “the big sister,” and later took on the responsibility for my husband’s happiness.

I started to awaken to this intention: living for other people’s approval and seeking validation that I was enough from outside myself.

I often longed for alone time and yet felt guilty if I was only giving to myself. If I was doing something that delighted only me. I would allow myself that alone time only when I was in survival mode and had nothing left to give.

It’s important to realise that underneath the helper, I recognised a fear of abandonment.

I took time to talk to the little one inside me and assured her that the only one who could truly abandon her was me. I promised to become much more attentive to that little girl’s needs and to put an end to my tendency to self-abandon.

Truth Serum 1 landed eight years ago

You don’t have to carry another person’s happiness. The best way to help someone is to take care of your own energy first.

When our son was little, there was a period when my husband was under a lot of stress and couldn’t really tap into his joie de vivre.

My usual tool was, “Just cheer him up. Make him feel better.”

It only irritated him and was driving me crazy.

So I learned a profound truth: you cannot help someone who is not ready for it.

Instead of trying to fix him, I started creating an atmosphere of a higher vibration where he had more space to find himself.

I announced,

“I can see you’re feeling off. I’m here for you if you need me. In the meantime, I intend to pamper myself and stay in a really good mood.”

I fed myself comedies, warm showers, bubbly vibes from essential oils and beautiful magazines.

I started using the mantra: “You are in a prison, but the door is open.”

He’d start having these lightbulb moments where he’d suddenly jump up, thrilled, and say,

“I think I’m in the prison, but I know how to get out!”

He’d storm out to an art museum or a beautiful café to have a cappuccino, enjoy listening to music, look at deign elements or spend time somewhere inspiring.

None of the solutions above would ever have popped into my mind.

And instead of taking responsibility for his happiness, I finally allowed him to take responsibility for it himself.

The little hardworking helper in me got her first awakening.

Truth Serum 2 landed six years ago

Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It is your responsibility.

Another awakening came a few years later.

I had spent a few days alone with my son. He was around seven at the time. He had been coughing all night, so I hadn’t gotten much sleep, and then I was taking him to basketball matches all around the city.

I was exhausted, to say the least.

Yet the helper in me was after some real juicy good-girl points.

I figured I had already been a super mum… what if I also cleaned the terrace and fixed a few other things around the house? I’d probably earn the super wife trophy as well…

The little helper in me was on fire.

Not for a second did she ask,

“How could I take care of myself?”

Then my husband came home, and I gave him the list of everything I had done.

I was ready to receive my points.

And that day he gave me probably the biggest gift of my life.

Instead of praising me, he looked deep into my expecting eyes and said, in a calm voice,

“I don’t appreciate you burning yourself out. For heaven’s sake, you’re exhausted. I’d much rather come home to a happy wife.”

My heart sank.

And my mind immediately said,

“After everything I’ve done for you… you can’t even say thank you.”

I felt the anger rise.

And then another voice came to the surface.

“Are you really going to waste your energy being angry? Or would you like to hear another way?”

I took a deep, deep breath and said out loud my mantra:

“I’m actually glad this is happening because…”

And the answer came.

“So that I can finally see my pattern of self-abandonment.”

Ouch.

What’s more, I was given the opportunity to look honestly at my intention.

All along, I had been after the good-girl points.

I had been seeking my value from an external source.

I was looking for validation because I was resisting the fact that I was tired.

I was after approval.

And I believe that is one of the biggest reasons people literally forget to live their own lives.

I was still feeling the anger, though, so I knew I needed to direct that energy into creating a boundary and taking action.

I took another deep breath and said to my husband,

“You are absolutely right. Thank you.

I realise that I gave too much when I didn’t actually have much energy to give.

And then I tried to steal your energy, which isn’t fair.

I self-abandoned.

I’m going to make it right by booking myself a two-day business trip.”

The next day after work, I packed my intuition cards, books and a fresh bunch of flowers and checked into a tiny hotel room.

I called my two fabulous friends, Kaisa Merelä and Satu Hamed, and booked dinner with each of them.

Such wise, expansive, light-hearted, powerful women.

I also went to Kämp Spa to surround myself with high vibes.

After two days, I remember calling my son with the happiest voice,

“Mummy’s coming home!”

His reply?

“Mum! You promised to stay away longer! Dad has made these incredible dinosaur cornflakes for breakfast. We don’t need you healthy and bossing us around so soon…”

Right…

I checked in with the helper inside me.

The part that whispered,

“See… no one needs you.”

That part definitely took a hit.

But the real me…

…was very pleased.

Truth Serum 3 landed two years ago

Giving as a source of dopamine can become an addiction.

How long can I go without being needed?

How do I feel when there’s no one to rescue or help?

What happens when people are simply not available to be helped?

When I ended my Rauha business and took time away from healing work, it became the perfect opportunity to observe how the helper in me would react.

I learned to become much more conscious of my intentions. I realised that I didn’t have to feel needed to feel enough.

Whenever I wanted to help a client or someone close to me, I’d first ask myself,

“Dear Tiina, what are you unconsciously hoping to get out of this situation?”

I’d often recognise a subtle hope to be seen differently.

To be seen as a hero.

To be seen as someone who saves the day.

To feel significant.

To feel enough.

To feel worthy.

As I became more conscious of my own needs, I first started giving them to myself.

I’d take a moment to make myself feel seen before helping (if I had been asked to help), and I found myself helping from a completely different intention.

Then I’d ask myself one more question:

“If no one noticed… would you still help?”

I learned to release the helper identity that took responsibility for whether someone chose to receive my help or not.

“Go where you are wanted, not where you are needed.”

Not everyone has to understand you. You don’t have to convince anyone that you are kind.

I released the need to control how other people viewed me.

Being seen as selfish or unkind would previously have driven me off a metaphorical cliff.

Now I simply ask my own heart,

“Would I do anything differently?”

If the answer is yes, I wholeheartedly apologise.

If the answer is no, I stand in my truth.

But the most important thing is that I no longer feel derailed from my own path simply because someone else doesn’t perceive me as kind or helpful.

About Tiina

I help women entrepreneurs find success and fulfilment by being themselves.

Through Human Design, mindset coaching and practical self-discovery tools, I help women reconnect with their inner compass and trust who they are.

If you'd like to explore your own path together, you're welcome to book a 1:1 session.